Wednesday, March 03, 2010

One Year and Eleven Months Later...

The Hit-man did get us. Kept us prisoners in our minds (unrelated to any movie of the same plot) while we brewed with disgust and hatred of our own ridiculous self. Somehow we broke free. We dont know how. We dont know why. We waited for a year and 11 months. We found a weakness. And we broke free....

DID YOU KNOW!!!!
Jumanji waxes his chest hair??
He got this idea after watching Twilight.

*gasp!*

Warning; Do not proceed to read the following if you a twilightphobic, may result in cause of self harm.

See, he always believed that he was a vampire. Since the days of "an interview with a vampire", Jumanji has always dreamed about being involved in a borderline gay vampire relationship. He was completely obsessed with Lestat singing in a metal band after watching the "Queen of the Damned". Although Jumanji sings like cats scratching on a chalkboard, he too wanted to be in a band so badly. He would wear wigs to hide his baldness and play 'Rockstar' infront of the mirror.

Then years later an abomination from the sissy underworld was born, and its mother was Stephanie Meyers. Jumanji read the entire series and by-heart every scene of the trailer of Twilight before the movie ever came out. (of the closet)

He so believed that he was a vampire so much that he should glitter like a 12 year old girl's my-space page. And he thought that the reason he wasn't glittering was because of his chest hair...

*gasp!*

He so believed that all that chesthair was covering his inner glitterness and the only way to glitter is to WAX OFF his entire chest hair!!! Our inside sources tells that he has lost one nipple while waxing and replaced it with a pacifier. The pain he must have went through to bring about this unthinkable sissy changes is beyond our comprehension.

Jumanji in a Twilight fantasy (FYI,TMI,OMG,BARF)

*blowjob!*

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

... and the war wages on...

Dear readers,

It has been brought to our attention by an anonymous coward and a few good friends that this blog has been neglected for more than a year. Let us tell you that is was not our intention. We can only offer our heartfelt apology to all the people who followed this blog. Let us tell you something.

We are back.

This blog lost its way. It has been long, it has been hard. No, we aren’t talking about our penises. We are talking about the road we have come along. No, its not a penis road. Let it go.
This blog stopped for a bunch of reasons that we cannot disclose. Although it had something to do with the subject of this blog, Jumanji, hiring his most trusted hitman to assassinate me and bandey. He isnt as cool as agent 47. More on that later.

This has always been about a war. A war that is waged on the very way of life of man. A man. THE man behind this blog. This has always been a call for him to wake up and realize his potential. And we are back again, risking our lives (the hitman is still after us) to try and bring you, the readers, the truth! Stay tuned

Those of you who are new to this blog, be sure to check out the disclaimer.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Journey to the Center of Jumaniji

On the 8th of March 2007, a parchment was discovered what we believe to be a prophecy of Jumanji. This parchment led to the discovery to a whole new findings about his true meaning on this planet and about his enemies, who would destroy everything to keep the truth hidden. One book spoke about a hidden talisman on his body, which would defeat the "Aluka" and bring closer everyone to the ultimate goal. The book described instructions to find it.
On the 19th of March 2007, I volunteered to find the talisman and journey in to the untamed forest of Jumanji's body hair. He would document and log and archive all his encounters till his quest is complete. So begins a journey to find the truth of Jumanji's existence and to protect it from the evil Aluka.
The following takes place in the depths of Jumanji's thick pubic-like-hair covered body.

23.03.07 - 21:30
It’s cold very very cold. The 5th day is near an end and still the surrounding forest of hair seems like its watching me. I may be the only one here but who knows, countless others before me have been faced with this terror. Some lived and some didn't. All it has been to me was a legend. My life line is ready. My knife by my side. There is no sunlight here ever. It’s a good thing my carry an ultra light fuel cell which would probably last for years.
My only source of light is keeping me sane and away from being consumed by this eerie darkness. I'm afraid to fall asleep for I don't know what might get me. There are things, i know they are there I just know it. It’s so dark and I have yet to encounter anything. I can hear them... they are waiting.

24.03.07 - 14:42
There are here. I don't know what they are, but I managed to elude them. The darkness overcame. I heard rumbling and had to hide somewhere under the hair trees. There was nothing human about it. Crackling slimy sounds, as if a slug with insect legs kept clawing its way through the forest. It was so dark. I had to turn off the light and hide and wait till they went.

24.03.07 - 22:04
My journey has taken me to a place of many great objects other hair trees. These are foreign objects like me yet they have been here for ages. The trees and vines have been entangled and grown around them. They may have been foreign once before but they are now one with this place. I'll camp here tonight. I don't think any of the "unknowns" would find sanctuary here.
After looking around for a safe spot I found a one of the objects to be a very fluffy and worn teddy bear. It’s been here for so long that I didn’t recognize it at first. it must have been from one of the toys Jumanji used during his early childhood years. Poor thing, all you need to get trapped here forever was a hug. I camped under it. The teddy provides warmth and safety and hides me from any danger. As I lay here I kept wondering, would I have the same fate as this unfortunate teddy?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

25.03.07 - 09:32
Breakfast was ok, but I have to keep my rations on heavy check. I don't want to run out of food here. I should start looking for other source of food. The "unknowns" weren't here to bother me last night. But I could hear them from a far off distance. As I continued the journey I found there were so many things lost in here. Teddies ping pong balls, choo-choo trains, a motorbike, a guitar and thousands of guitar picks. There were so many other objects I couldn't recognize. This was like a stroll through a valley of huge ass ruins. (Ruins being old toys and other stuff Jumanji thought lost) I think I'm in between Jumanji's chest.
I didn't have enough time to research the findings because the threat of the "Aluka" was far too great not to start at once. So if anything happens to this book I would be so screwed.

25.03.07 - 13:00
Book speaks of a "Valley of Memories", I guess I just camped there. I am suppose to find a “Talking Tree of the Valley” and ask of guidance. There is some gibberish about an offering of blood to the tree for its guidance. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSE TO FIND A BLOODY TALKING TREE IN THIS VAST SHIT PIT CALLED JUMANJI'S BODY HAIR!!!!!!

(fun fact.. the only place Jumanji doesn’t have hair is forehead)

Oof!! Damn this stupid.. ooh a light?? It’s a neon light sign?? Why didn’t I notice this huge glowing light sign in the middle of all this darkness??

“Follow the neon lights to the talking tree”

That was easy I guess…

*skips and follows the glowing signs with pointing arrows and hands…

To be continued…

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

PROPHECY

Yes, fellow readers, there is a prophecy. And its a true prophecy too, you know... The only way it could be false is that I stayed up one night 'coz i was sleepless and i wrote it up out of boredom... ... ... that totally didnt happen...ish.
Anyways... me and my partner on this blog NOT my "life partner"... so I'm a homophobe... sue me. anyways.. we are conducting what we like to call "research" on a "prophecy" that was prophecised ( i dunno if thats even a real word) long ago. I have "dug up" some parts of the prophecy through my extensive "research". Below is an extract from the aforementioned "prophecy". Im sorry for all the inverted commas, but I really wanna emphasize those words.
"... and there will come a man into existance on the third sphere whose potential is thus great. The forces of evil will be in motion, for they too need his gigantimongous forhead for their own evil needs. Beware the succubus, for it will carry him from his true destiny, and his forhead shall never shine again..."
Elaborating a bit on this little extract...
Its not entirely apparent what "man" is mentioned. But the part where it says gigantimongous gives us a clue. We also dont know who or what this succubus is. not yet, anyway... I am currently trying to decipher more of the heiroglyphic codes of this ancient prophecy although, i have been able to translate the ancient name for the succubus. Its "Aluka".... interesting enough, Aluka is Hebrew for Leech. Hopefully I will have more very very soon.
Until then, godspeed and good luck. May you all be protected from the evil succubus.

*Im sorry i have no picture to associate with this post, but some software on my PC has gone and rebelled against me and are refusing to run.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Succubus

Wikitionary states
succubus (plural : succubi)
  1. A female demon which comes to men, especially monks, in their dreams to seduce them and have sexual intercourse, drawing energy from men to sustain themselves, often until the point of exhaustion or death.
  2. A strumpet, whore or prostitute.
Monks have really large foreheads..
Ironic that the statue of the succubus in the picture has curly hair...
The PROPHECY is coming true!!
I have nothing else to say...

Friday, February 09, 2007

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

First off... i would like to apologise from the bottom of my heart of hearts ... ... that sounded straighter in my head... seriously. Anyways... im sorry about the biggest delay in and upday ever, but in my defense, and bandey, the co-founder of this blog will concur, i was a victim of a mass conspiracy put into action by the target of this blog... jumanji. i was .. juhhaabee'd its a variation of the wahhaabee people.. ... .... somewhat. more on the conspiracy later.

As a "please forgive me" piece i have for all you faithful jumajiwar readers and hardcore jumanji haters and anyone who mistakenly falls on to this page... an exclusive interview with the man himself. No, not Al Pacino dammit.. Jumanji.

This hour long interview was taken by bandey and yours truly, after much persuasion and a bit of intimidation.

GUNGRAVE = Iya
Krsnik = Jumanji
-brothers in arms- = bandey


G U N G R A V E: i added him
G U N G R A V E: damn internet
G U N G R A V E: JMANJI!

KrsNik: hmm
G U N G R A V E: this is very easy
- brothers.in.ar: JUMAAANJIII!!!
G U N G R A V E: we ask u a bunch of questions n u answer
G U N G R A V E: so...
G U N G R A V E: what do u say abt the blog?
KrsNik: u guys need to get laid
G U N G R A V E: dude, u know that i get regular lovin'
- brothers.in.ar: yea, man, seriously...
G U N G R A V E: who needs to get laid now?
KrsNik: :(
KrsNik: i do
KrsNik: next qn pls?
- brothers.in.ar:how does it feel to have such a huge gay fan base?
G U N G R A V E: how DOES it feel to have a huge gay fanbase?
KrsNik: the fact that it was never MY doin... to hav such a big (gay)fan base....... (WTF!!!)
KrsNik: (ready to cut my wrists!)
- brothers.in.ar: does the raping of the chickens have anything to do with your controversial break up with man with buruga?
KrsNik: errr.... (cud we take that out of the interview pleas?)
G U N G R A V E: how about NO
G U N G R A V E: u freak!
KrsNik: damn!
G U N G R A V E: answer the DAMN QUESTION!!
KrsNik: well wat can i say.... U are the almighty!!! u say i did it... so even if i deny.. does it make any difference!!!! HUH!!
G U N G R A V E: KARAM!
KrsNik: SOooo its u alone
- brothers.in.ar: NEVER!!
- brothers.in.ar: we ownt change anything
- brothers.in.ar: well put this all up
- brothers.in.ar: dont worry
KrsNik: i thought that wud happen
KrsNik: i knw u wud.... QUEERS!!
G U N G R A V E: isnt that a bit harsh? is that nesecary?
KrsNik: QUEERS!!!
G U N G R A V E: ok, thats it!
G U N G R A V E: we tried to be reasonable
G U N G R A V E: but wud u co operate?
G U N G R A V E: nooooooooooo
KrsNik: U are REASONABLE!!!??!!
KrsNik: U CALL THAT REASONABLE!!!!
G U N G R A V E: what?
G U N G R A V E: when have i been NOT reasonable?
KrsNik: USING ME FOR UR FREAKISHLY TWISTED PLEASURE TO MOCK ME!!!!
KrsNik: DEMEAN ME!!!!
KrsNik: U think thats reasonable?
G U N G R A V E: if passing time is twisted pleasure, then v r all freaks
KrsNik: hmmm
G U N G R A V E: we hav never "demeaned' you
G U N G R A V E: YOU ARE FAMOUS!!!!
- brothers.in.ar: yeah
KrsNik: FOR THE "GAY" SOCIETY!!!!
G U N G R A V E: HEY!!! the gay ppl are still ppl
G U N G R A V E: have some respect man
KrsNik: I DONT CARE!!!!
- brothers.in.ar: apparently girls feel sorry for u coz we treat you that way
- brothers.in.ar: ppl ask me who u are a lot
- brothers.in.ar: wants to meet you
KrsNik: oh?
G U N G R A V E: hehehe
G U N G R A V E: see? see?
- brothers.in.ar: yeah you got the sympathy vote
- brothers.in.ar: they all love you
KrsNik: and im suppose to be relieved?
G U N G R A V E: so wat words of wisdom do u hav for ur world wide audience?
KrsNik: If u have friends like mine.................
KrsNik: ..........die
brothers.in.ar: niceone
KrsNik: (thanks)
- brothers.in.ar: whats your first sexual experience?
G U N G R A V E: so back to the chicken raqing incident
G U N G R A V E: (i'll ask the next one then)
- brothers.in.ar: ok
- brothers.in.ar: ok scratch that
- brothers.in.ar: what made you wear the chicken suite?
G U N G R A V E: exactly
KrsNik: ITS A HAWK!!!! DAMMMIITT!!!
KrsNik: HAWK!!!
G U N G R A V E: y did u feel the need to dress up like a chicken?
- brothers.in.ar: chicken hawk whats the iference
KrsNik: H A W K
G U N G R A V E: whatever u say to urself to sleep at nite, buddy
KrsNik: thanks bud
G U N G R A V E: why did u need to dress like a "hawk"?
KrsNik: (sarcasm)
KrsNik: ok
KrsNik: u want me to tell u the truth or... u wud feel much better writin ur own comment?
G U N G R A V E: if we wanted to we cud hav just written sumthin up
G U N G R A V E: but we ASKED u
KrsNik: OH I THINK U WILL!!!
KrsNik: ok then...
KrsNik: it was a costume i wore cause i participated in the 'float' on the independence day.
KrsNik: ok?
- brothers.in.ar: we meant who told you to wear it
KrsNik: right ur own COOL FREAKIN COMMENT THEN!!
- brothers.in.ar: like who said you shoudl wear this
- brothers.in.ar: hey
G U N G R A V E: was it ur imaginary friend?
- brothers.in.ar: yeah the one that keeps telling you to rape the chickens
G U N G R A V E: ws it the voice inside ur head?
KrsNik: do i even NEED to ans?
- brothers.in.ar: serious koshey
- brothers.in.ar: was it your cheif?
- brothers.in.ar: who made the costumes?
KrsNik: thats classified information....pass
G U N G R A V E: i think we shud put a disclaime on again saying all the posts are mostly fiction
G U N G R A V E: wud that make u happy?
KrsNik: i dunno wud it make YOU?!
G U N G R A V E: hey man, calm down!
G U N G R A V E: we r tryin to build ur image
KrsNik: ehhe... reallyy!!! u are!!!
KrsNik: fuck you BOTH!!
- brothers.in.ar: hes very uncooporative
G U N G R A V E: yes
G U N G R A V E: this is exactly the kind of thing that motivates the blog
KrsNik: really? wat was the reason u made it?
G U N G R A V E: just fr fun
KrsNik: yea
KrsNik: ok
G U N G R A V E: but then u got famous
KrsNik: oooooooo
KrsNik: ok next qn
G U N G R A V E: what were u thinkin wen u fisrt got into prison X?
KrsNik: how the heck am i suppose to knw? u put me in there... U tell me how i felt
G U N G R A V E: hey!
- brothers.in.ar: comeon dude
- brothers.in.ar: go with it
G U N G R A V E: just beoz i co created this blog doesnt mean IM responsible for everything that happens to YOU
KrsNik: i think it does when.........its YOU who did IT!!!
KrsNik: oh karam.. u think i shud go with this huh?
- brothers.in.ar: look everyone has flaws
- brothers.in.ar: and stupid stories
- brothers.in.ar: like my buruga story and iya's embarrasing advertisment story but we decided to publicly announce your story
- brothers.in.ar: its good that we keep you hidden form the world
- brothers.in.ar: we never tell who you are
KrsNik: ehhe
KrsNik: hmmm
G U N G R A V E: lets just get on with this interview
G U N G R A V E: so have u been approached by a fan?
G U N G R A V E: asked for an autograph?
KrsNik: Thankfully...No
G U N G R A V E: too bad
KrsNik: reall?
G U N G R A V E: that day will comew
G U N G R A V E: and we will celebrate
- brothers.in.ar: ey
- brothers.in.ar: send us an autographed picture of you and we would put it on the internt
G U N G R A V E: hey YEA
G U N G R A V E: that s kewl i dea
G U N G R A V E: give us one , dood!
KrsNik: or else ull do wat u do...and do it urself
G U N G R A V E: i guess
G U N G R A V E: i wish u'd be more coorperative
- brothers.in.ar: we might have to get digital again
- brothers.in.ar: damn you for being so stubborn
G U N G R A V E: i dont like posting ur gayness on the net, u know
G U N G R A V E: u force my hand
- brothers.in.ar: oh, come on, man.. its for the blog!!
- brothers.in.ar: UR blog!!
KrsNik: i cudnt care less abt ur stupid blog!!
KrsNik: im going
KrsNik: good fuckin day!!

And so concluded the interview with Jumanji. This has not been edited. All the original typos and crap are their and i can personally vouch for its authenticity. Hope you enjoyed getting to know the inspiration behing this blog. and may jumanjiwar be filled with many many posts and interesting insights to the suggestive and questionable nature of jumanji.

NOW THATS JOURNALISM!!! CNN CAN KISS MY ASS!!! YEEAAAA!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

This Is So Wrong!!!


The day was calming, Roadha maybe bustling and busy but the feeling always makes you excited and calm. My daily routine of sitting infront of the computer and chatting with strangers pretending to be a hot bisexual lesbian was put on hold. Instead I put on a recent picture of me with my shaved head and my Aviator glasses on the display.

[not real name] is that you in the pic??? :P
[me] yeah why?
[not real name] you know you can't make a fool out of me.

That was weird. But i kept thinking tomyself it could be becoz of my cool sunnies.

[someone else] whos dat
[me] thats me...
[someone else] u?

then she said something which twisted the inside of my gut in to knots with stubby knife..

[someone else] you look like jumanji.

My life as i knew completely faded away before me. All of hells darkest demons broke loose.....

[somebody gay] is that jumanji or you?
[someone else] dat wonderfully large forehead
[somebody gay] you've been growing your forhead too?
[not real name] maybe its the lips.. you both have attractive lips.
[sir mixalot] i like big 'foreheads' and i cannot lie...
[someone else] you two became twins?

I stood there frozen. I didnt know how long it was. But I just stood there, going through a scenario. I had no avoidance. I never knew it was even comming. I was utterly helpless. Thats when the devil himself decided to make a presence.

[jumanji] hey u look like me?!!!
[jumanji] u look beautiful
[me] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! THE HORROR!!! OH THE HORROR!!!!!!

So lets look at the picture above and get this straight. On your left there is this blogs star, Jumanji. On your right its a guy who doent even remotely looks like Jumanji.

See the large forhead on your left dwarf the one on the right!

See the guy on the left with the stupid smirk where you just want to beat it till it goes away? compare it with the ruggedness of the character on the right and tell me how you find them similar?

MY LIPS ARE IN NO WAY SIMILAR TO HIS!!! they maybe kissable but they will never... THEY WILL NEVER!!! be the same.

And whoever even remotley suggests that the two pictures above are the same i swear on the grave of HITLER i will hunt you down and give you an hour long CHILLI BOWL SWIRL*!!! So help me god!!! help me....

*Chilli Bowl Swirl = involves a telephone handle, a bowl of chilli and your anus.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Prison crackz


The inmates in Prison X (true address removed for decency) are being terrorized by an extremely homosexual individual. Put into Prison X after being convicted for raping and killing 40 chickens, he has arrived on his graceland. The inmates live in constant danger and walk around mostly with their hands on their asses, for protection. The Inmates are looking to each other, and guards for protection. BUt, unfortunately, none of the prisoners are safe, as the guards are under attack too.
We took the time to talk to some of the victims:

"Its terrible! I was just taking it easy, you know? I have laundry duty, so i was there... usually no one's around much. So how would i know this was gonna hap'n? I never heard him coming... he just grabbed me from behind, and i blacked out... when i came to, I wasnt wearing my pants, and my ass hurt. and he was there with a smirk on his face." - Inmate

"I cant even take a shower without havin' a F***ing heart attack! I dont use soap anymore for fear of dropping it!" - Inmate

"I was on duty on the yard and out of nowhere he comes and forcibly ass raped me. I was bleeding out of my ass when he finished. I wanted to report him, but he threateded to do it again if Idid. Im so scared! Please help me!" - Guard

"I was straight when i was convicted. Then i had to share a cell with him. He's so strong and firm. He handles me in ways i haven't been handled before. I like him." - cell mate

There is no escaping his gayness in prison X. He now has a gang of queers at his call. In prison X, this man rules supreme. What ever ass he wants he gets. Everyone fears his name... Jumanji.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Review: Swan Princess

The Village Peoples Theatre Presented their first production last wednesday at Olympus. The Play dubbed "Swan Princess" was a ballet which was written, directed and performed by Jumanji.

The story is about how a woman in a mans body makes love to a bird, in this case a swan. They both fall in love and try to spend rest of their lives together when the swan is stolen by an evil king who keeps swans locked in a tower.

The Play was absolutely horrible. the acting, the directing, the props, the badly timed lighting. Ofcourse it would be, it was all operated by jumanji himself. He kept running around the stage and off it to set up lighting playing roles bringing out the props. He got mildly electrocuted 3 times. The swan, portrayed by a frozen chicken with an aluminium-foil head, was made love to approximately 58 times during the 20 minute play, which by the way felt like 20 years.

The whole theater had an audience of 3 people excluding me. One of them was I think his mother and the other two guys kept repeatedly jacking themselves. The play ended with him falling down from the stage hitting his head on the floor and passing out. The ambulance came 15 minutes later, still the two people didnt stop jacking off.

I wouldnt reccomend this play to anyone if i even wanted to kill them. But if you are a prevert who loves to sexually assult birds and other winged creatures, please see a psychiatrist.

This Play was suppose to represent Jumanjis life, and his feelings. Jumanji was arrested a few days back for dressing up as a bird and anally mollesting several other fowls.

DONT SEE THIS PRODUCTION. EVER!!!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bird flu!!



The first reported case of bird flu in the Maldives. Meet the Jumanji Bird (homoerectgaybirdus)
We'll just call it JB for short.

It all started one fine day when a chicken coop was raided by an unknown person or creature. A complaint was filed at the Police due to chicken screams. The Officer who arrived at the scene fell unconciuos at the sight he saw. (he was kinda sissy anyway...) All the chickens had been brutally murdered. On later forensic investigation of the chickens, it was revealed that the chickens had been sexually molested before they were strangled and mutilated.

Few days later, a "chicken man" was reported to be sighted along the darker areas of the Capital. Angry chicken farmers and other angry mob like people hunted down this chicken molestor and found out that this was indeed a "chicken man". Badly beaten and ass raped, he was handed over to the police. Who questioned this person, who admitted to raping and killing over 40 chickens over a period of one and half months. WHICH, coincidentially is about the period of time passed since his break up with the Man wearing Buruga (MWB). Jumanji also admitted to have liked the ass raping by the hands of the angry mob.

Jumanji will face trial for the following charges:

  • Murder of 40 chickens
  • Raping of 40 chickens
  • Being gay
  • Gtting ass raped
  • Liking it
  • Dressing up like a chicken
  • Being named a stupid name like "jumanji"
  • Existing

The trial will start as soon as the government finds a judge who will NOT go insane after he/she/it has read the case file.